Picture a fiery cauldron, not the hellish, scary 'fire and brimstone' kind, but rather a beautiful blazing "furnace-like" fire designed to burn off anything that doesn't serve you. Now, picture it sitting right between you and every person you know. It is there to protect you and to absorb any negative projections that may come your way during a conversation, a disagreement, an ugly fight or even from your own negative self talk. It is your best friend. And like a best friend, it's a good idea not to forget it's there.
About 20 years ago, my partner at the time decided to break up with me by telephone. She launched into an hour long monologue in which she painstakingly described to me, one by one, all of my shameful flaws and character defects. I'm just grateful that she eventually ran out of steam or we might still be on the phone right now! There was so much anger and rage coming off of her, frankly I was surprised the phone didn't catch on fire.
But then I heard my inner voice say to me, "This isn't about you! Just give her the space to talk and be heard. Don't get in the middle of it." She proceeded to call me every name in the book, and I just listened with a sort of healthy sense of detachment, while holding a space of unconditional love for both of us. Everything vile that came out of her mouth, I imagined going into a fiery cauldron and burning off before it could ever touch me. I literally said almost nothing for a full hour as she continued her rant. I just kept hearing my inner voice say to me, "It's not about you! Be there for her right now. Be Available!"
It was an amazing experience. I never got defensive. I never attacked back. I didn't make her wrong. I just listened and didn't take any of it personally. Then suddenly she was done. There was silence on the phone for just a minute when she burst into tears. She said "Oh my God, I am so sorry!!! I have no idea where any of that came from. Oh my God, Oh my God, please forgive me!" She sobbed uncontrollably for several minutes.
Since she had the space to vent without my reacting, she was able to process what she was saying and take responsibility for it. She too realized that it wasn't about me. It was old unhealed wounds of hers that got triggered in our relationship. If I had gotten defensive and made it all about my feelings suddenly, it would have just resulted in more chaos, and misaligned thoughts being met by more misaligned thoughts. I am absolutely sure that both the conversation and relationship would have ended a completely different way had I allowed myself to get in the middle of it and been unavailable to her.
We both ended up telling eachother how much we loved each other and drawing closer than we had been for a long time. We decided to end the relationship, but we did so with mutual respect, love and appreciation. We both recognized that it had simply come to it's natural completion.
I learned a few important lessons that day. 1) Listening is healing. 2) Other people's blaming is more about them than you, but it will always present an opportunity for you to grow in compassion and to be your best self. 3) Know who you really are! Otherwise, you'll feel the need to defend against stuff that isn't even yours. It's a waste of your good time and accomplishes nothing.
Lastly, being truly emotionally available for someone, requires you to listen without taking anything personally...to maintain a healthy detachment so there's a clear space for them to have their feelings and be heard. This is where real healing can take place.
And, if worse comes to worst...get your best friend the fiery cauldron out to protect you, so other people's projections don't bring the fire out in you. This is the one time when "fighting" fire with fire is a good thing!
To The Truth That Sets Us All Free,
Donna Gershman ALSP
PS. You can heal, and you don't have to do it alone! if you or someone you know needs support in healing any issue, whether it be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual, feel free to email me at youwillheal@aol.com, or contact my office at (818)904-6840 for a free telephone consultation. All sessions are conducted by telephone or Skype.
