The Spiritual Truth about Ugly Fighting - Part 2 (Practicing the Art of Healthy Detachment)

Picture a fiery cauldron, not the hellish, scary 'fire and brimstone' kind, but rather a beautiful blazing "furnace-like" fire designed to burn off anything that doesn't serve you. Now, picture it sitting right between you and every person you know. It is there to protect you and to absorb any negative projections that may come your way during a conversation, a disagreement, an ugly fight or even from your own negative self talk. It is your best friend. And like a best friend, it's a good idea not to forget it's there.

About 20 years ago, my partner at the time decided to break up with me by telephone. She launched into an hour long monologue in which she painstakingly described to me, one by one, all of my shameful flaws and character defects. I'm just grateful that she eventually ran out of steam or we might still be on the phone right now! There was so much anger and rage coming off of her, frankly I was surprised the phone didn't catch on fire.

But then I heard my inner voice say to me, "This isn't about you! Just give her the space to talk and be heard. Don't get in the middle of it." She proceeded to call me every name in the book, and I just listened with a sort of healthy sense of detachment, while holding a space of unconditional love for both of us. Everything vile that came out of her mouth, I imagined going into a fiery cauldron and burning off before it could ever touch me. I literally said almost nothing for a full hour as she continued her rant. I just kept hearing my inner voice say to me, "It's not about you! Be there for her right now. Be Available!"

It was an amazing experience. I never got defensive. I never attacked back. I didn't make her wrong. I just listened and didn't take any of it personally. Then suddenly she was done. There was silence on the phone for just a minute when she burst into tears. She said "Oh my God, I am so sorry!!! I have no idea where any of that came from. Oh my God, Oh my God, please forgive me!" She sobbed uncontrollably for several minutes.

Since she had the space to vent without my reacting, she was able to process what she was saying and take responsibility for it. She too realized that it wasn't about me. It was old unhealed wounds of hers that got triggered in our relationship. If I had gotten defensive and made it all about my feelings suddenly, it would have just resulted in more chaos, and misaligned thoughts being met by more misaligned thoughts. I am absolutely sure that both the conversation and relationship would have ended a completely different way had I allowed myself to get in the middle of it and been unavailable to her.

We both ended up telling eachother how much we loved each other and drawing closer than we had been for a long time. We decided to end the relationship, but we did so with mutual respect, love and appreciation. We both recognized that it had simply come to it's natural completion.

I learned a few important lessons that day. 1) Listening is healing. 2) Other people's blaming is more about them than you, but it will always present an opportunity for you to grow in compassion and to be your best self. 3) Know who you really are! Otherwise, you'll feel the need to defend against stuff that isn't even yours. It's a waste of your good time and accomplishes nothing.  

Lastly, being truly emotionally available for someone, requires you to listen without taking anything personally...to maintain a healthy detachment so there's a clear space for them to have their feelings and be heard. This is where real healing can take place.

And, if worse comes to worst...get your best friend the fiery cauldron out to protect you, so other people's projections don't bring the fire out in you. This is the one time when "fighting" fire with fire is a good thing!

To The Truth That Sets Us All Free,


Donna Gershman ALSP


PS. You can heal, and you don't have to do it alone! if you or someone you know needs support in healing any issue, whether it be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual, feel free to email me at youwillheal@aol.com, or contact my office at (818)904-6840 for a free telephone consultation. All sessions are conducted by telephone or Skype.

When I was 11

When I was 11 years old, I had a dream that changed my life. I heard a voice say to me, “I am going to tell you the secret to all life, and when you wake up in the morning, you will not remember what it is, and you will spend many years searching for it”

Then I remember the voice telling me what the secret was and my response to it being “Oh my God, I knew it, I knew it!!!!!” It was so simple…the kind of thing that’s right in front of your face, but you just don’t see it.

The next morning I woke up and couldn’t remember what it was, just that it was simple. The voice was right. I searched and searched for many years, and then one day, I remembered. It just sort of dawned on me as if it had been there all along; hidden in plain view. The answer was LOVE.

Several years later when I was 24, I went backpacking in Europe. One night, while at a youth Hostel in Switzerland, I was talking with a friend when the evening bell rang signaling it was time for lights out.  We weren’t the slightest bit tired so we decided to move our conversation into the ladies room, the only place available to talk. I remember our conversation getting deeper and deeper until finally she told me a story about a dream she had had when she was 11. A voice spoke to her and said “I am going to tell you the secret to all life, and when you wake up in the morning, you will not remember what it is and you will spend many years searching for it”. I bet you can guess the rest. She had had the same exact experience as me, word for word. 

I then told her of my story. We were so astonished; we sat there in silence for the rest of the night.

I never knew what to make of it all, really. Why was I given the secret? Why was she given it? How many others were?  Over the years though, I feel I may have missed the greater point, LOVE.

I ask myself now, “What did I learn from all that? How did it change my life, or has it?” I wonder if I have made real use of the information given to me. The only conclusion that I can draw, is that every issue that has ever plagued me could have been resolved a lot easier if I had really taken heed of the lesson; that Love is the secret to all life; so simple and yet so allusive.

I believe the #1 cause of most issues we deal with on a daily basis could be traced back to our inability to truly appreciate ourselves on every level of our being; to accept ourselves completely without judgment and to genuinely love ourselves as we are, right now….not after we figure it all out or become our ultimate vision of ourselves. If the answer to all life is Love, then most of our human problems are due to the lack of it! Not from the outer world, but from own our inner one.

Ironically, if you ask someone if they love themselves, they will probably say “yes”. Then ask them if they are happy with who they are, with the way their lives look, with the choices they have made. Ask them how much time they take for themselves, or whether they are eating healthy foods, taking care of their bodies, and spending ample time to rest and rejuvenate. Are they expressing their feelings in a healing way? Are they following their passion? Do they trust themselves? The answers to these questions are illuminating as to whether someone actually loves themselves or if they just “think” they do.

If I’m honest with myself, I’m sure I love my dog, better than me. I can’t look at him without smiling. I love being with him, never get bored with him or even mad at him. If he ever does something I don’t like, I forgive him easily. I always see the best in him, and would go to the ends of the earth for him. I love him unconditionally, and yet I’m still trying to figure out how to love ME that well.

Just for a moment, bring to mind someone you really love. It could be a family member, a spouse, a friend, a teacher, a beloved pet, anyone at all. Now, feel the feelings of love you have for them. Feel how strong they are. Feel the gratitude you have for knowing them, for being in their lives. Feel how good it feels, just to Love. That energy you are feeling is healing. It can heal anything within you and it can heal others. Now ask yourself, “Is this the energy you feel toward yourself?” Do you feel this same kind of love, gratitude, and appreciation for yourself? Do you feel the same desire to be there for yourself no matter what, and to support yourself the same way you would for someone you love?

The secret to all life is Love, and yet at best, most of us are practicing “conditional loving”. Sometimes, we find reasons why it’s ok to love ourselves, and other times we find reasons why it’s not, and we do the same with other people. They have to earn our Love. We have to decide we like them first, trust them and understand them, before we feel it’s safe to love them. We love them "conditionally".

With ourselves, we have to be perfect, make perfect choices, look perfect, have our life look perfect, get treated perfectly by everyone else, etc…and then we’ll love ourselves "conditionally", until something falls out of place and we withhold our love again.

Take that Love energy that you feel for others, and direct some towards yourself right now, unconditionally, and you will begin to heal yourself, your life and be able to truly love those around you. 

Imagine a world, where we all loved ourselves and each other, without reason and just because.

I believe this is the First and Final Frontier for us all; what we have been charged with, and what we are here to learn.

The answer to all life, is LOVE, and the Love within you, is enough to change the world.

To The Truth That Sets Us All Free,

Donna Gershman, ALSP

PS. You can heal, and you don't have to do it alone! If you or someone you know needs support in healing any issue, whether it be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual, please feel free to email me at youwillheal@aol.com, or contact my office at (818)904-6840 for a free telephone consultation.

Why Are You Here?

Have you ever really wondered why you're here on planet Earth?  What is your purpose for being here?  Was it just a random act that led you to be here right now at this time on the planet?  Other than the obvious explanation that your parents created you, why else are you here?  What are you here to do? What are you here to learn?  What are you here to bring?  These are some deep questions, right? And yet, without the answers, you could spend a lot of time spinning your wheels, and a lot of time unsatisfied.

It's important to know why you're here.  It's important to know what your gifts are. And most importantly, it's important that you're in alignment with your purpose, that you’re living your purpose. How do you know when you’re in alignment with your purpose, and how do you know when you're not?

It's simple. Are you fulfilled or aren’t you? Are you living a life that reflects all of the goodness that you are? Have you exceeded your wildest expectations of yourself? Are you a shining example of wholeness on planet Earth? Do you genuinely feel good about your life? Do you genuinely feel good about you? Are you fulfilled?

Or……

Are you going to a J-O-B every day, coming home, exhausted, just to pay the bills, and do it all over again tomorrow? Are you in a relationship that is painful, but have resigned yourself to being in it because the alternatives seem overwhelming? Does your body seem to be breaking down a little bit more and more all the time? Are you sick, in physical pain, emotional pain, unhappy, unsatisfied, and feel stuck? Have you given up on your dreams or worse yet, never attempted to pursue them? Do you feel blasé at best, or lack enthusiasm for your future? If so, then chances are you’ve strayed from your lesson plan a bit…and it may be time for an intervention.

In the end, the only thing that matters is how YOU feel about YOU. That’s it.

Did you accomplish what you were here to do? Did you become the person you were always meant to be? Did you love you?

When you are in alignment with your life's purpose, when you know who you are and what you're here to do, and when you take steps towards that vision, your life begins to fall into place, in a way that is most satisfying to you.  You start to live your dreams.

Unfortunately, until you are willing to move towards your vision, you will continue to spin your wheels, and feel unsatisfied with yourself and your life.  The key to being in alignment with your purpose is pure, unadulterated willingness. You have to really want it. You have to be willing to risk for it.  You have to be willing to do things differently.  You have to be willing to change. You can't fake willingness, when you do, it's simply “resistance” dressed up in disguise.

Today, search your soul.  What would you need to do differently to be in alignment with your deepest heart's desires? What would you need to let go of?  What would you need to embrace about yourself?  Even if you're not willing right now to make the changes, find the willingness to be willing. That's a good start, and really all you need, to take tiny steps forward towards being in alignment.  After all, that's what you're here to do, live your purpose and be fulfilled. The story ends well, that starts with willingness.

To The Truth That Sets Us All Free,

Donna Gershman, ALSP

PS. You can heal and you don’t have to do it alone! If you or someone you know needs support in healing an issue whether it be physical, emotional or spiritual, please feel free to email me at youwillheal@aol.com or contact my office at (818)904-6840 for a free telephone consultation. 

What's a Healer DO Anyway?

People ask me all the time what a healer actually does. The answer is "absolutely nothing", and the good ones do that really well. The less we do the better. The minute we think we have to fix something, that doesn't really exist in the first place, we're doomed and so are our patients.

So what do I mean by it doesn't really exist in the first place? Here is patient x, and she has end stage cancer and I'm saying to you that it doesn't exist!!! Have I lost my mind? Of course I have! And I have lost everything my mind would want to tell me about that too, like it's deadly, or very serious at the very least, and that we should be scared. A healer who's any good, will wipe all of that from their consciousness and begin to tell the truth about what REALLY is, and what really is, is that patient x is whole. That's right, whole. I said it. Even though they may be experiencing something called cancer or diabetes, or hypertension, or HIV/Aids or anything else for that matter, they are whole. It's true. I'm not lying, and no, I'm not naive or crazy, for that matter (well, maybe a little). I'm just a healer, who's good at knowing what to know, and un-knowing what is actually detrimental to know.

 Michaelangelo's "David" was created in the artist's words by removing the material around the Masterpiece that did not belong. He simply removed that which was covering it up. The "David" was already whole and perfect. Michaelangelo, the healer/artist saw it's inherent perfection and called it forth.


We all have the capacity to do this in our own lives, to see the masterpiece of who we are, and to remove the self beliefs that are not congruent with that. When working with disease or illness, a good healer will know the person's innate perfection more than they identify with the outer condition of disease, and they will assist the patient in knowing the same. You would be so surprised how well the body will respond to that information. In fact, it's all it needs to feel good again. Sound too easy for you? I understand. We humans like to suffer and struggle sometimes to feel like we did something.

The fact is, a person's body will correlate to the person's beliefs and subsequent feelings about themselves and their world. To the degree that a patient is willing to see themselves as whole, perfect and complete they will begin to experience that in their body. Oftentimes, this is a process of greater and greater awareness and understanding, and greater and greater releasing of the beliefs that no longer serve them. The trick is an open mind and a willingness to look under the hood, to be radically honest with yourself about what you really think and feel, and to forgive yourself and all others that you believe have hurt you. A letting go of old pain will release old pain in the body.

Let's face it, most of who we are, lies in the invisible; our thoughts, our feelings, our connection to the universe. Our body is the only thing physical about us. In order to heal the body, we must go beyond just the physical, and look to the rest. If and when illness occurs, take it as a nudge from the universe that it's time for you to get honest with yourself about who you really are, and release the stories you have been telling yourself that bring you pain and resentment.

One thing I know for sure, if you are willing to do just that, like your life depended on it, you Will heal. In fact, you have absolutely nothing to lose, and absolutely everything to gain; your true self and the life you were always meant to live.


To the Truth that Sets Us All Free,

Donna Gershman ALSP


PS. Don't Suffer! If you or someone you know, needs support in healing a disease, illness, chronic condition or pain, please feel free to email me at youwillheal@aol.com or call my office at (818)904-6840.